Monday, 7 September 2015

A Fresh Start

Do you ever feel like a square peg in a round hole? Like, you're not quite sure where you fit in or what you want from life? I feel like that a lot, and even more so lately it seems, and I always beat myself up over it and get annoyed at myself, but I just feel like I'm at an awkward crossroads in life (it might be an age thing as I've seen a couple of bloggers writing about similar lately)

For most of my life I've felt a bit like I didn't fit in, it wasn't that I was miserable, or didn't have any friends, it's just that I'm a bit of a walking contradiction I guess. I'm quite a private person (who ironically writes a blog spilling her guts on the internet!) but also far too open at times, I don't trust easily, but often trust the wrong people, I lack confidence in some ways and feel quite awkward and self-conscious, but then on the other hand I seem to give off a natural confidence to others, and have always felt happy with who I am as a person. I'm extremely sociable but often wish I could run away to somewhere where I could be anonymous.


I guess a lot of how I'm feeling stems from the fact that it's a time of change for me - I recently got a new job and I'm moving in with Ben soon. Again this is a contradiction as I'm yearning for a fresh start, but also terrified of change.

I just worry that my life is far too safe and that I'm stuck in a rut. Career wise I don't know what I want; writing and photography have always been a passion and something that makes me feel alive, but neither could be further removed from my day job, which is a good job, but something I feel no passion for. I never know whether the fact I've done well for myself career wise is an achievement or whether I'm just trapped and should be doing something that gets my blood pumping and my heart racing.

I also live in a fairly small area, which is very beautiful and makes me feel blessed so often, but I haven't really expanded my horizons much, I've travelled but haven't ever lived anywhere else, and I don't want to look back on my life and regret anything. But at the same time I know I need to grow up and be an adult, rather than harking back to a time of no commitment and running away when things get tough. Relationships are also complicated; being with one person for the rest of your life sounds great on paper, but how does anyone really know what they want or need forever, at this stage of life?


I feel really ungrateful writing this post as I have a lovely life - I have a family I'm close to, good friends, a boyfriend and a job I've worked hard for, which is so much better than many people have. But I just can't help feeling unfulfilled and confused, and I'm trying to find out where I fit in and what I want out of life. I have a friend who recently changed her life completely - she  met someone, quit her job and moved to an area where she didn't know anyone and had no income, but she's the happiest in herself I've ever seen her, so it's all about perspective. 
But I wish sometimes that people didn't know every little thing about me, not just because of social media, but I'd like to be able to go off the radar from my 'real life' once in a while, vanish somewhere and recharge. Maybe it's just me, but I seem to live in a very gossipy culture that makes me feel trapped and resentful. Lately I seem get energised on being alone, rather than surrounded by company like I used to. 

As usual when I get into deep thinking mode I've been scouring Pinterest, and a lot of my recommended pins just seemed to be exactly what I needed tonight. 

This post has turned a bit epic, and if you're not a fan of rambling deep posts then you probably switched off some time ago, but I think sometimes I need to just put my thoughts into written words, and offload on my little space on the internet.
Before I got too downhearted, I reminded myself of the Baz Luhrmann song 'Sunscreen' and the quote below:

If anyone has any book or podcast recommendations, or just general tips I'd love to hear about them in the comments :)


  1. great post
    Posts online about Tuscany, Egypt, Buenos Aires...

  2. Some of this really hit home for me
    I also don't really know what I am doing career wise, I don't know what I want. I have likes but I don't know if II am really passionate
    The quotes are beautiful and sometimes all it takes in a bad mood is to go through them and to feel inspired
    Garland Girl

    1. Aww thank you, that means a lot do me, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling the same way though, I hope you find some answers soon

      Lucy x

  3. Ah Lucy, I know where you are coming from. That last quote is just perfect! I think I may need to print that out. Good luck with moving in with your boyfriend, I hope you're feeling ok

    1. Thanks Sophie, typical Monday blues haha. But yeah, it seems to be a common theme lately with lots of people feeling the same way

      Lucy x

  4. Great inspo, absolutely loving this post!

    Anika |

  5. What an interesting blog post my Dear !:) I really like to read your news !
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  6. I honestly felt like you were echoing my own feelings and thoughts, Lucy! Of not fitting in, of being a walking contradiction, of feeling like I’m stuck in a rut, of not knowing what I want career wise, and feeling like I haven’t traveled and expanded my horizons enough. I feel you, sister! So don’t feel ungrateful, I’ll bet everyone feels like this at some point or other. I really want to vanish somewhere and recharge, too. Maybe we both need solo holidays, somewhere remote where we can find some answers :) I love the Baz Luhrmann quote, I will bear that in mind. Here's to life and all its bafflesomeness! x

    ♥.•*¨ Amanda Says ¨*•.♥

    1. Yeah definitely sounds like a common theme! It must be a rite of passage everyone goes through at some point in life, but I suppose life is all about figuring out what we want from it!

      Lucy x


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